Tuesday, June 03, 2008

George Lucas is a frog-necked bastard

All right,....

I know it's all fashionable lately to rip on George Lucas but seriously,... I am sick and tired of him destroying my cherished childhood memories by animating their corpses and parading them around with cheap new packaging.

I mean, the new Star wars trilogies were bad enough, but with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull I think Lucas has successfully completed his descent into madness.

Sitting through that film was the cinematic equivalent of watching a bunch of thugs prison-rape a kitten.

And I was on board at the beginning! After seeing the trailer, I was cautiously optimistic. With signature Spielberg directorial styling that made me remember why he is the greatest shot maker in Hollywood I was willing to forgive the strong scent of cheese coming from it and go all in for another adventure with Ford and company.

I was willing to give Lucas the benefit of the doubt with the insane turn he's taken with the way he handles the characters he's created.

I didn't care that Harrison Ford was almost sixty. He still looked damn good and as long as he was wearing that fedora, carrying the bullwhip and brandishing that .45 caliber six shooter I was gonna follow him into Hell.

Then I saw it.

I don't know what was worse,...the shitty dialogue, the painful green-screen shots or the fact that he dusted off the Close Encounters alien for a cameo at the end.

But it was a great learning experience.

I learned that Shai Lebouf can control monkeys and swing on vines like Tarzan, (take that Glen Keane).
I learned that Russians are Nazis in brown uniforms.
I learned that the Ark of the Covenant is in Area 51.
I learned that refrigerators can not only keep your eggs fresh and your milk cold, but if you hide in them, instead of suffocating, you can avoid a nuclear blast and fly!
I learned that Karen Allen is just happy to be there even when she's in mortal danger.
I learned that two Mexican jumping ninjas guard every Mayan, (or whatever jungle civilization it was), temple.
I learned that crystal skulls deter giant killer ants better than Raid.
I learned that Mayan Indian assassins have their friends spackle them into stone walls to wait for intruders, (how do they pee?).
I learned that when you gain ultimate knowledge, your eyes catch fire and you die.

But most of all, I learned that George Lucas is a dumb turd.

If those God-awful Mummy movies were a cheap imitation of the Indy movies, this latest Indy movie was a cheap imitation of the Mummy movies.

I don't know why I'm surprised. There have been glimpses of the madness of king George for years. There was The Star Wars holiday special, ("Don't worry Chewie! We'll get you home for life day!"), and Howard the Duck.

Once George got unlimited power where no one could tell him no, we got The Ewoks, Jabba's Muppet palace and that f**king Jar-Jar Binx, not to mention that happy, blonde, bowl-cut haired kid who played baby Anikin, screaming "yippee" every ten minutes and easily the happiest slave I've ever seen.

The truth of the matter is, George Lucas is a demented Producer, an abysmal director and a person completely uncontaminated by talent. He is however, without a doubt, two things for sure.

He is lucky,...

and he is a great businessman.

And now he has so much power and autonomy that even Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg have to swallow his shit just to have fun making movies.

But where is my argument? At present time, Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull has grossed nearly half a billion dollars in just two weeks.

And with numbers like that, you can be assured we will be seeing another Indy movie soon enough and I'm sure they're fast at work on the next script.

Perhaps the title will be, Indiana Jones and the ass-hat who doesn't know how to write for the characters he created.

Here's an idea, George,....why don't you go down to that government warehouse, drag the Ark out of that crate it was sealed in, pop the top, and take a good long look inside.

Maybe it'll clear your head.

21 Comments:

Blogger Scott said...

Unreal, I haven't visited this blog since like February and here you go posting something new!

I took my kids (7 and 10) to see it and they liked it. Not really saying much there though. My wife is the only person on the planet who doesn't like Indiana Jones, but I think she will be getting a lot more company with this piece of crap.

I sat in this movie bored, and I never thought it would happen - it's INDIANA JONES for God's sake.

But there I was, completely disengaged. I am seriously surprised to hear people actually liking this Mummy sequel.

I'd even go so far as to say that this film should be used as a test for people that are looking to work in Hollywood (or any creative field). In lieu of a resume, people should be given a simple sheet of paper with the question, "Did you like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" with a yes/no check box under it.

If you say "yes" you are blacklisted for life. "No" and the world is your oyster.

It'll save on all the interviews, test reels, writing samples and resume nonsense.

8:47 AM  
Blogger Fighting Irish said...

I would say that's executive-type thinking, Scott,...
But it's too rational.
I really look forward to seeing you at Comic-Con this year. The way the con's treating it's vendors, it may be our last.

8:55 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Heck I may even use that test on potential friends as I'll have nothing in common with anybody that found redeeming qualities in that movie. LOL

Yeah, I am looking forward to Comic Con. It will be an insane madhouse and I'll probably get nothing that I want to accomplish done, then again - what else is new!!

If you and Cynthia need help with anything give me a jingle.

Seriously.

9:58 AM  
Blogger Brian Yoder said...

Hear hear!

How is it that guys who are supposed to be geniuses of the movie industry could not realize as they were working on the thing that it would be horrible?

I was surprised that you didn't also notice the absurdity of their little digs at McCarthy. Whatever you think of the historical events there, in the movie there were commies running all over the place machine gunning people left and right as big as life and we yet we are supposed to think that the government was "over-reacting" to them or imagining that they were a real threat when they were not? It made no sense in the movie.

Really, they should use this in film schools to show the kiddies now not to treat a great franchise.

--Brian

9:11 PM  
Blogger Gordon said...

So...

Did you like it or not?

10:00 PM  
Blogger Bob said...

I miss our chats, Sean!

Hope all is well with you!

Bob

12:42 AM  
Blogger Bob said...

Er... I mean... "fighting irish".

Hope you don't bump into Mr. Spielberg in the hallway!

'The frog-necked bastard' I wouldn't worry about.

B.

12:46 AM  
Blogger Maikeli said...

Scathingly funny!! Take a look inside the ark!!! Yeah!
Dude, you are off the chain!! I love it! You used to turn this level of invective on Monique back in the old days, and this weapon you wield has only increased in powerful hilarity!
I pray that Lucas reads this and decides to just stick to business, and abandon "his art."
Oh, and the siafu ants are in Africa, not S. America, why collect shit and then destroy it upon "takeoff?" Why did fat Brit smile, say he was alright, and then get sucked into the death whirl? What was with the entire fuckin alien plotline anyway? X Files script scooped out of the round file?
Fuck.
Fuck!!!

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