George Lucas is a frog-necked bastard
I know it's all fashionable lately to rip on George Lucas but seriously,... I am sick and tired of him destroying my cherished childhood memories by animating their corpses and parading them around with cheap new packaging.
I mean, the new Star wars trilogies were bad enough, but with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull I think Lucas has successfully completed his descent into madness.
Sitting through that film was the cinematic equivalent of watching a bunch of thugs prison-rape a kitten.
And I was on board at the beginning! After seeing the trailer, I was cautiously optimistic. With signature Spielberg directorial styling that made me remember why he is the greatest shot maker in Hollywood I was willing to forgive the strong scent of cheese coming from it and go all in for another adventure with Ford and company.
I was willing to give Lucas the benefit of the doubt with the insane turn he's taken with the way he handles the characters he's created.
I didn't care that Harrison Ford was almost sixty. He still looked damn good and as long as he was wearing that fedora, carrying the bullwhip and brandishing that .45 caliber six shooter I was gonna follow him into Hell.
Then I saw it.
I don't know what was worse,...the shitty dialogue, the painful green-screen shots or the fact that he dusted off the Close Encounters alien for a cameo at the end.
But it was a great learning experience.
I learned that Shai Lebouf can control monkeys and swing on vines like Tarzan, (take that Glen Keane).
I learned that Russians are Nazis in brown uniforms.
I learned that the Ark of the Covenant is in Area 51.
I learned that refrigerators can not only keep your eggs fresh and your milk cold, but if you hide in them, instead of suffocating, you can avoid a nuclear blast and fly!
I learned that Karen Allen is just happy to be there even when she's in mortal danger.
I learned that two Mexican jumping ninjas guard every Mayan, (or whatever jungle civilization it was), temple.
I learned that crystal skulls deter giant killer ants better than Raid.
I learned that Mayan Indian assassins have their friends spackle them into stone walls to wait for intruders, (how do they pee?).
I learned that when you gain ultimate knowledge, your eyes catch fire and you die.
But most of all, I learned that George Lucas is a dumb turd.
If those God-awful Mummy movies were a cheap imitation of the Indy movies, this latest Indy movie was a cheap imitation of the Mummy movies.
I don't know why I'm surprised. There have been glimpses of the madness of king George for years. There was The Star Wars holiday special, ("Don't worry Chewie! We'll get you home for life day!"), and Howard the Duck.
Once George got unlimited power where no one could tell him no, we got The Ewoks, Jabba's Muppet palace and that f**king Jar-Jar Binx, not to mention that happy, blonde, bowl-cut haired kid who played baby Anikin, screaming "yippee" every ten minutes and easily the happiest slave I've ever seen.
The truth of the matter is, George Lucas is a demented Producer, an abysmal director and a person completely uncontaminated by talent. He is however, without a doubt, two things for sure.
He is lucky,...
and he is a great businessman.
And now he has so much power and autonomy that even Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg have to swallow his shit just to have fun making movies.
But where is my argument? At present time, Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull has grossed nearly half a billion dollars in just two weeks.
And with numbers like that, you can be assured we will be seeing another Indy movie soon enough and I'm sure they're fast at work on the next script.
Perhaps the title will be, Indiana Jones and the ass-hat who doesn't know how to write for the characters he created.
Here's an idea, George,....why don't you go down to that government warehouse, drag the Ark out of that crate it was sealed in, pop the top, and take a good long look inside.
Maybe it'll clear your head.